danger: whinging about my first marriage
Aug. 29th, 2018 03:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sacramentalistPeople who haven't known me for long probably don't know I was married before Dr C. In fact, today is the 20th anniversary. I remember it well. Two step kids. Good times. We held it in the backyard. Despite the threats for rain, it completely missed us.
I also remember at nearly the 5 year mark, she declared it was over. We were at a nearby park.
"I don't know how to say it"
"Just be blunt"
She had on mirrored sunglasses. I had to stare at myself as she said she'd been unhappy for a long time, stopped loving me and was no longer attracted to me.
Because I'd been expecting a serious talk for 2 days, I took with calmness. I made some entreaties. References to positive moments in the past. She said there was no point to counseling. She tried counseling and separations before and she knows when it's over. At some point, I said this gives a bad message to the kids. She said it would be worse for them to be dishonest.
I said I didn't want to be where I wasn't loved and I should move out while they're at the Florida dance competition the following month.
I made some monologue about how she made me feel like a stranger in my own home, which was never mine and though they'll forget me within a year, I'll never forget this. "Have a happy fucking life" and walked back to the house. Her brother pedaled up to me on his new bicycle to say hi.
"Hey Steverino. Just trying out my new bike."
"Monique just dumped me. She's at the park."
"Oh shit. What? I'm really sorry Steve. She's at the park?"
I saw him comforting her at the side of the road. She was sobbing in his arms.
I then went into the back yard and threw all the furniture against the fence. Resin chairs explode in a pleasurable way, PS. I then pulled a log out of the fire pit I made and somehow it made all the sense in the world to throw it at the picnic table her ex made until it was splinters. The picnic table sitting on the spot where we exchanged vows. I barely gouged that fucker before I got tired and lost interest.
I left and visited my sister who threw a kitten in my hand "Hold TJ! You can't be unhappy while holding a kitten". I watched Mulan with my niece and nephew.
M and I had agreed to tell the kids together. She broke that promise, too.
First, I wanted to remember the details. Then I realized that that gave me no solace.
So I tried to forget and then I felt guilty for forgetting. If someone doesn't remember, what's the point to anything? It's just the awful unresolved feeling. Like not enough was done. Something was missed. If I had been a better person everything would work.
Christmas was Hell. I had called the kids to see if they wanted to meet. I could feel their discomfort over the whole thing. Who am I to them? How can I be a part of their lives?
It was then that I decided to see a therapist. I'd bent enough ears. Plus, everyone had mixed opinions.
I dated someone a year later. She was so sweet but it was impossible and she ended things when she needed to. And it hurt so bad. Hurt more than with M. Hurt because of M. I know because I was talking to my therapist about the recent break-up when I somehow transitioned to "and I begged and pleaded and I said all I wanted her to do was hold me and tell me she loves me and she said she couldn't!" and my heart broke like it had never broken before and I sobbed and sobbed. But I felt better. I mean, 15 years later, I'm still hurt and angry. But honestly, it wasn't until then that it *finally* dawned on me that what *I* want has zero effect on the world.
I also remember at nearly the 5 year mark, she declared it was over. We were at a nearby park.
"I don't know how to say it"
"Just be blunt"
She had on mirrored sunglasses. I had to stare at myself as she said she'd been unhappy for a long time, stopped loving me and was no longer attracted to me.
Because I'd been expecting a serious talk for 2 days, I took with calmness. I made some entreaties. References to positive moments in the past. She said there was no point to counseling. She tried counseling and separations before and she knows when it's over. At some point, I said this gives a bad message to the kids. She said it would be worse for them to be dishonest.
I said I didn't want to be where I wasn't loved and I should move out while they're at the Florida dance competition the following month.
I made some monologue about how she made me feel like a stranger in my own home, which was never mine and though they'll forget me within a year, I'll never forget this. "Have a happy fucking life" and walked back to the house. Her brother pedaled up to me on his new bicycle to say hi.
"Hey Steverino. Just trying out my new bike."
"Monique just dumped me. She's at the park."
"Oh shit. What? I'm really sorry Steve. She's at the park?"
I saw him comforting her at the side of the road. She was sobbing in his arms.
I then went into the back yard and threw all the furniture against the fence. Resin chairs explode in a pleasurable way, PS. I then pulled a log out of the fire pit I made and somehow it made all the sense in the world to throw it at the picnic table her ex made until it was splinters. The picnic table sitting on the spot where we exchanged vows. I barely gouged that fucker before I got tired and lost interest.
I left and visited my sister who threw a kitten in my hand "Hold TJ! You can't be unhappy while holding a kitten". I watched Mulan with my niece and nephew.
M and I had agreed to tell the kids together. She broke that promise, too.
First, I wanted to remember the details. Then I realized that that gave me no solace.
So I tried to forget and then I felt guilty for forgetting. If someone doesn't remember, what's the point to anything? It's just the awful unresolved feeling. Like not enough was done. Something was missed. If I had been a better person everything would work.
Christmas was Hell. I had called the kids to see if they wanted to meet. I could feel their discomfort over the whole thing. Who am I to them? How can I be a part of their lives?
It was then that I decided to see a therapist. I'd bent enough ears. Plus, everyone had mixed opinions.
I dated someone a year later. She was so sweet but it was impossible and she ended things when she needed to. And it hurt so bad. Hurt more than with M. Hurt because of M. I know because I was talking to my therapist about the recent break-up when I somehow transitioned to "and I begged and pleaded and I said all I wanted her to do was hold me and tell me she loves me and she said she couldn't!" and my heart broke like it had never broken before and I sobbed and sobbed. But I felt better. I mean, 15 years later, I'm still hurt and angry. But honestly, it wasn't until then that it *finally* dawned on me that what *I* want has zero effect on the world.
