mom mom issues are everyone else's mom issues

[sacramentalist]

If you don't want to rub me the wrong way, don't project your mother issues on my mother. My mom is a nice lady. Non-confrontational. I love my mom. I don't call her enough. And yet, I seem to attract people with shitty mom issues and they want to provoke me. I don't take the bait but it fucking annoys me.

The worst was a previous girlfriend. She'd rattle on about how all her terrible exes had mom issues and she'd troll me all the time and I knew if I said a word she'd label me as "yet again a guy with mom issues"

So I'd get:

Me: "I just found out my mom was afraid of thunderstorms. She said she didn't mind my sister and I hiding in the bed because she's always had problems with them"
Her: "Oh? I didn't realize your mom was a COWARD"
Me: "..."

Exceptionally, my first wife didn't do this. She liked my mom and found my parents foibles endearing (even when they bothered me). C is no exception. It would be impolite to discuss her stuff, but she's got issues. And she's put off by my mother. Really, they're just both hypersensitive and probably think they hate each other. If we lived in a sitcom, I'd trick them and lock them in a room and let them become best friends. However, I like to think they're all adults who should be treated as such.

In truth, C adores the mom of her ex. She'll go on and on about how much she misses this lady -- how she wishes she was her mother. She'd rather never see her ex again, but when she waxes historic she'll go on and on how the only reason they worked as a couple was his supportive family. I think that's sweet but C has nothing to do with my mother.

"Look at me being all nostalgic, tonight. You really don't like it when I go on about J's mom, do you?"
"It's 11pm. I'm gonna go to bed"
"Oh. ok"

The whole thing makes me tetchy. I can't have a mature conversation because I can still see my ex baiting me. Waiting to strike. "just say one nice thing about your mom, and I'm gonna proove you're a creepy creep!"

The injustice of the thing just peeves me.

Comments

[lapinlunaire]

To be fair, there seems to be a really high number of guys out there who have issues with their mums. Sometimes it's "my mum is the bitchiest bitch who has ever bitched". Sometimes it's "my mum is the most perfect woman who has ever walked this earth and how DARE you imply that she's a flawed human being you horrible person". I think it comes from weird gender roles, ofc. I'm not saying you're either of these, just that there are tons of men out there who are and I can see why women would be wary, especially added to them projecting their own mums onto yours if they have issues with them.

From what you've said here, it sounds like you're a reasonable person who appreciates and loves his mum and acknowledges that yes, she's a flawed human but she's nice and you get along. I don't see what the issue is and I'm happy for you.

The "so your mum was a COWARD" thing sounds terrible, wtf. I feel like it says more about her (your ex) than about you... O_o

Don't let what C says remind you of your ex's baiting. I think it's ok if she and your mum don't get along if it's just because of different personalities and if they're mature about it instead of gratuitously insulting each other or something. Maybe C says these things about your ex's family but not to hurt you? As in, it sounds like her ex's mum was like a second mother to her and maybe one who was nicer to her than actual mum, so I can see why she'd feel sad that the end of her relationship meant an end to this second family of sorts and why she'd be able to not miss her ex but miss his mum. :(