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Jul. 9th, 2018 12:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sacramentalistI don't know how to stop obsessing about shit from 20-30 years ago. Mistakes I've made. Mistakes others made. Things that have no bearing on anything. Yet, I'm still find myself irked as I'm doing something, like making the bed, or loading my backpack. Seems when I mentally freestyle, I hone in on the past. "Why did he say that? Why did I react like that? What if we were reversed?"
I like to think replaying would help with future interactions, but it just makes me want to avoid future interactions. I mean, why bother if making a mistake leads to years of regret? Sigh.
Can any of you control your dreams? Mine never relate to what I was thinking about before I fell asleep. If they do, I just remember the unpleasant things. One was arguing with my dad to get medical help and he was being his avoidant self. Another was an employee wanting to get into politics and I was suggesting he rethink his approach which got his back up, which got my back up and it went into a full-on raw argument about how unhappy he is with work and my shouting "Well, it WAS nice working with you!" as he stomped away and then me flipping desks in anger, but in a delicate way so they don't scuff.
Now I'm wondering if dude is unhappy with work, or it's just random shit in my head.
My therapist would hone right in on this and say it's all related to my self-perception and how upset I get with "unresolved things" because everyone is avoidant until they blow up. Then I go, "OK, Freud. Now that I know that, what now?" and he'd give a good suggestion involving me trying to think in less negative ways and with less sarcasm. That's the part I never remember. "Just play with it"
Then I get mad I don't know how to be a fucking adult at 48. 48! Ever see "Last Tango In Paris?" Brando was 48! His character was 45. I only know this because I was thinking of "Bitter Moon", a Polanski version of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf meets Last Tango in Paris". Now Last Tango is some regretful art, if only for how the actress was abused. But the whole film is unpleasant and if I had written that story in a Pre-Nanette world, I would feel bad about myself. So now I feel regret for Bernardo Bertolucci!
And this is why I never make an effort.
I like to think replaying would help with future interactions, but it just makes me want to avoid future interactions. I mean, why bother if making a mistake leads to years of regret? Sigh.
Can any of you control your dreams? Mine never relate to what I was thinking about before I fell asleep. If they do, I just remember the unpleasant things. One was arguing with my dad to get medical help and he was being his avoidant self. Another was an employee wanting to get into politics and I was suggesting he rethink his approach which got his back up, which got my back up and it went into a full-on raw argument about how unhappy he is with work and my shouting "Well, it WAS nice working with you!" as he stomped away and then me flipping desks in anger, but in a delicate way so they don't scuff.
Now I'm wondering if dude is unhappy with work, or it's just random shit in my head.
My therapist would hone right in on this and say it's all related to my self-perception and how upset I get with "unresolved things" because everyone is avoidant until they blow up. Then I go, "OK, Freud. Now that I know that, what now?" and he'd give a good suggestion involving me trying to think in less negative ways and with less sarcasm. That's the part I never remember. "Just play with it"
Then I get mad I don't know how to be a fucking adult at 48. 48! Ever see "Last Tango In Paris?" Brando was 48! His character was 45. I only know this because I was thinking of "Bitter Moon", a Polanski version of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf meets Last Tango in Paris". Now Last Tango is some regretful art, if only for how the actress was abused. But the whole film is unpleasant and if I had written that story in a Pre-Nanette world, I would feel bad about myself. So now I feel regret for Bernardo Bertolucci!
And this is why I never make an effort.
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Date: 2018-07-09 10:39 pm (UTC)