sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-09-13 11:32 am

(no subject)

So, I saw my shrink. I more or less said I was going crazy over this basement mess. His empathy seemed to cool when I said it's probably covered by insurance and I'm just fretting over whether my claim gets paid or not and my general laziness (my words, obviously).

I even went so far as say what I expected him to say. He just lightly said "yeah, we've had that conversation a few times... so I'm interested to know why you stopped coming. We seemed to be starting to work on some things and you vanished"

Honestly? I got the date wrong. I thought it was Aug 10, and it was Aug 3. It actually sucks because I spent Aug 3 wishing it was the next week. This is what happens when I trust my instincts and not hyperfocus on detail. "So why didn't (I) call to reschedule?"

This is gonna sound weird, or simply childish, but I hate waiting. I'll delay making a doctor appointment for a year because I don't want to wait the 4-6 months. And what happens when things are set in the future? I miss the appointment and I'm penalize, or worse, lectured. Or, with him, it's so far in the future I'm past my immediate issues and I'm talking about how I felt 2-3 weeks ago, like I'm a 3rd person.

Anyway, I'm sure he's getting at this is part-and-parcel with what we were working on (causes of me being hesitant, indecisive, and self-critical)

But honestly, I think I needed him to say "hey, you're remembering our talks. Good job!" And I've been stewing about it for days.


But on another point. WHO HAS WATCHED BOJACK HORSEMAN SEASON 4? I want to talk about it with someone I know. Not some rando on Reddit, because I think this was the best season so far.
sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-09-07 01:52 pm

(no subject)

I've been considering leaving a VM to my shrink.

"Hi M. I hope you're well. I know I stood you up and owe you for the last appointment. I'm really sorry. I completely got the date wrong. So, M, I think I better start seeing you again. My basement flooded and I'm an organizational mess with the clean up: the logistics of insurance and my inability to throw things out, and dealing with my family. So, Let me know when you're available for an appointment. I've cancelled my piano lessons indefinitely until I get my basement mess dealt with. And to be honest, I just don't need the added frustration and anyway my teacher thinks I'm an old idiot. She hates me. Everyone hates me. I don't know why I try. Sooooo, call me back when you can. Thanks."

Or maybe: "Hi M. I hope you're well. I want/need to start seeing you again so, so call me back for an appointment. Thanks."


What'll happen is he'll call me back, unavailable for a few weeks and my mental state will be better, so I have to recount almost as a 3rd person.

And what'll happen is he'll say "hey! that's a lot of shitty things you're dealing with. Literally. There's no perfect path and there are no mistakes. You're handling it and need to remind yourself of that." And I'll just go "ok. acknowledged. I don't feel better."
sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-08-31 10:33 am

(no subject)

After a day of heavy rain on Monday, Windsor got a deluge on Tuesday. Cars stuck on streets. Fun like that. My neighbourhood's streets were a meter deep.

I came home to a basement full of water. 4" deep. Then an hour later, it went down the drain. All of my neighbours had the same thing. Apparently it backed up. That's actually covered by my insurance, but I'm worried this is going to end up costing me $$. I only took a couple shitty photos during the flood. I didn't expect the water to clear so quickly, and I was on hold with State Farm for an hour to find out I overflowed into auto-claims.

My washer and dryer are working. Apparently I should have waited a few days. I had to wait on the washer, anyway, as the water was cut off from 8am to 4pm all day, yesterday. The furnit

My laminate floor is already buckling. I'm still waiting on the adjuster and the contractor for clean-up. Meanwhile, I've just been tossing junk. Everything is heavy and wet and pours out when I pick it up.

I kept my old albums in a milk crate lined with a garbage bag. Apparently, plastic bags break down after 30 years. So all my 12"'s got wet.

I came to work to avoid the basement. At work, we're hammered with calls from phone customers with no service due to flooding. We were already short-staffed from techs going to a convention in Toronto. Field tech availability is limited.

I'm just tired and anxious. I don't want to deal with anything. Having strangers in my house. What to do with the cats? C was trying to figure out how to come down, but she can't take the train with her. And we can't do anything with Ella around because she needs to be next to someone all the time. That sounds enabling, but Shih Tzus are like that. And to be frank, it's easier to not have C worrying, as my anxiety feeds on hers. But I could use some help with the lifting/cleaning.

Plus, I can't smell. I'm worried about gas leaks and sewage smells and mould. And my treadmill. At 350lb, I never want to move that fucking thing, ever. I planned that if I ever I sell the house, I'm just including it in the offer.

So, typical Steve. I'm fine during the situation. After, I'm full of self-doubt and guilt and anxiety and what-ifs and AAAAAAAAAAGH!
sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-08-14 01:08 pm

everyone likes a math nerd

My car hit 300,300km

Now, you may think that's hardly noteworthy, but 300300 is divisible by 2,3,5,7,11 AND 13 -- the first 6 prime numbers. I'll give you another update when it reaches 510510. That's seven primes, baby!

Yes, these things occur to me whilst driving.
sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-07-25 01:17 pm

Oh, Trump

I wonder what Trump would say at a Girl Scouts Jamboree

"Hello ladies. Future mothers of America. I love moms. I have the greatest respect for women. All three of my wives have been moms. And I have a beautiful daughter. Have you seen Ivanka? But you don't have to be a mom. Looking around, I see some of you could be models."
sacramentalist: (hungry)
2017-07-24 04:26 pm

(no subject)

I made gumbo for the first time. Chicken + andouille + shrimp.

It's OK, but it's kind of just a greasy soup. Certainly not photogenic. Maybe Louisiana cooking isn't for me as green peppers and celery are not my bag. I'll have to cook some rice to go with it tonight. I got lazy yesterday.

And I burned my finger through the towel I was holding the pan handle with to pour the roux. Yowtch!
sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-07-24 12:27 pm

(no subject)

Have you ever had an obsessive crush on an celebrity that is almost painful? I don't mean as a teen, but as a fully-formed brained adult.

Don't judge me, but crap, there's an actress (who I won't name) who seems to hit a crazy button. I have a difficult time watching her because of the sad sting that this person is completely unattainable. It's not lust, though she is sexy. I guess she's my type -- as in: a pretty woman who seems sweet. It's pretty hand-holdingly innocent, albeit surprisingly painful.

Of course I'm not going to share who it is. And I am happily married. My wife and I exchange our crushes. I'm also not stalkery.

I just need to shake this limerance, as it's distracting as all get-out. How do you shake that? Get obsessed about someone else? Maybe if the actress was vapid, or a jerk, but she seems pretty harmless. I kinda feel bad for her that she's not more active, but then, I'd not be able to watch the show, I suppose.
sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-07-19 12:38 pm

(no subject)

My piano teacher doesn't know Year of the Cat. Not that she doesn't know how to play it, but that she is completely devoid of knowledge of the song. I don't mention this like it's a failing. Apparently she teaches songwriting. Don't 70's singer/songwriters come up?

I said it must be "generational", which is probably the pettiest jab I've ever made. Oddly, I have no clue what she knows/likes and it's starting to bug me. She's an enigma, and it leaves me a little disoriented. I tend to relate to people based on their thing. Now that sounds like I'm a suck-up, but not quite. I mean, hey, I can go on and on about something, but I like hearing what people like. I think people are the greatest fun. I know things. And I know people who know things. So if I don't know something I need, I know where to get it (that's your job)
sacramentalist: (creed)
2017-07-18 02:54 pm

(no subject)

I have been having a blast making fun of people upset about the new Doctor. One thing I find amusing is how many people have never watched the show but still feel the need to state their opinion.

I know two very loyal long-term fans. I went to high school with one, and I work with the other. The HS one has been pretty silent about it, but I watched my employee go through the stages of grief on Sunday. Up until the announcement, a "woman" would never happen. Then he thought it was a gimmick. Then it was obvious to him Jodie Whittaker was the "best choice" by the new show runner, and not because she was a woman.

Half of my online mocking was to show him how silly the complainers are so he can join the moral high ground on pro-Whittaker. I'd be all "so, there's a bunch of idiots on Twitter saying the Doctor won't know how to park the TARDIS." He'll chuckle and then I'll see it click in his head "waitaminute. the Doctor has never been able to park the TARDIS. Only (names off 10 women) have been able to drive and park it. Those critics are idiots!"

"Hey B! Now they're saying The Doctor shouldn't be wank material." He'll chime in: "You know, a lot of women find Peter Capaldi sexy" "B. Please don't ever show me your Tom Baker smut."

Then he remembered Attack the Block and embraced her, trusting BBC knows what they're doing. The Doctor is an alien, after-all.

I'd like to think I manipulated him to change his mind, but I'm certain he'd enjoy any new regeneration of the Doctor. Old habits die hard.

The show IS a combination of character and story, so they better keep synergy going. I gave up in the 2nd Matt Smith season (but I adored the first one). But I've seen a few since then. The Statue of Liberty as a Weeping Angel was too much. Ugh!
sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-07-05 11:56 am

If American Gods was narrated by Lemony Snicket...

A: "I love that Laura Moon never wears a bra anymore because ain't no dead woman ever wearing a mother fuckin' bra"

B: "Due to a series of unfortunate events she has found herself dead and bra-less."

Me: "The word, 'Pendulous', comes from the Latin word for hanging freely, possibly swinging, like a pendulum of a clock, counting the minutes to before the final tolling, but alas, Laura, much like a former love, has already heard her bell's toll. However, unlike my dear Beatrice, Laura wanders the Earth, her breasts hanging freely, counting her extra minutes before they inevitably fall off."
sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-07-04 12:17 pm

(no subject)

We watched a documentary on William Powell, the author of the Anarchist Cookbook. He wrote it in the early 70's at 19.

Powell has lived out of the US since the 70's, and has repeatedly disavowed the book.

The interviewer basically went through a list of various mass killings where the perpetrator had the cookbook in their possession, asking about them in a way to make it seem a surprising Powell know about every incident and feel personal responsibility for each and every event.

I saw a good review on IMDB ("Why not blame Marilyn Manson, too?")

The director worked on Tosh.0 -- I'm not shocked. It was uncomfortable, breezy, and pretty pointless. D-
sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-06-28 08:52 am

Nothing is about me, but this post is.

Nothing is about me, but this post is.

I just got wind that a former girlfriend, my first girlfriend, is married and her husband is dying in a hospital in Niagara Falls. I didn't know she was married. I haven't seen her in 20 years. Last time I saw her was in a plant nursery and she ninja-ed me faster than I ducked out on her. I know nothing about her because she is the sort to eschew Facebook and/or block exes. Why am I drawn to mega-intelligent, beautiful women who want nothing to do with me afterward? Dr C is a ghost online, too, and we're married!

My co-worker's ex, the father of her children, was found dead on his bathroom floor yesterday. He lived in another town. She had to tell her kids a second time that their father has left them. She is far less nostalgic.
sacramentalist: (stoned_ralph)
2017-06-22 05:40 pm

(no subject)

Dear Twin Peaks:

Now my series' have all been shown,
And what strength I have's mine own,
Which is most faint: now, 'tis true,
I must be here confined by you,
sacramentalist: (gayness)
2017-06-19 12:47 pm

(no subject)

Also... my livejournal account expired. Fuck you, Livejournal! (crossposted to Livejournal)
sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-06-13 07:46 pm

What I'm Watching

Better Call Saul
Twin Peaks
American Gods
Handmaid's Tale
sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-06-06 01:13 pm

(no subject)

I bought shoes off Amazon. They were on sale and I didn't have to interact with anyone. Heck, because my boss brought the package to my office, I didn't even have to stand up!

This is hardly a big deal, but it just leads me to ponder the demise of retail. However, I have creative rationalization: mail order has always existed. And oh how much I hate the mall. Buying online, nobody's treating me like I don't belong there, and nobody's pushing protective balms.
sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-05-24 09:24 am

Four episodes in

Anyone else watching the new Twin Peaks season?

I'm going to watch this thing, but I can't imagine recommending it to anyone.

It's got the side-stories of Mulholland Drive but the sound effects and braindead characters and imagery of Eraserhead. And Lynch has a talent for extracting wooden performances from decent actors. It's probably the banal dialogue and over-long takes.

That being said, of course I'm going to watch all 18 episodes and I'd be happy to discuss it in comments.
sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-05-23 01:07 pm

all over the place

I have a tendency to get worked up about something and belabouring it until I share it with someone long enough that they're upset and then I feel better assuaging them. I don't mean to do it, I swear.

Case in point: The dog doesn't eat a lot, and she's skinny. I worry about it until I get my wife worried. This isn't without precedence: 2 years ago, C's cat got really skinny (I noticed it easier because I saw her less) and eventually went into liver failure. She probably had a liver problem for a long time but would get nauseated after eating a little. So she starved. Losing Cheeky was devastating. Now the dog. Ella's always been a fussy dog. Just distract her and she'll stop eating. She's probably picking up on my anxiety. Dogs aren't supposed to be like this, dammit.

Anyway, all weekend I'm watching her, and watching the plate, and microwaving the food to bring out the smell. She ate after I left, of course. Now, C's worried Ella's going to die.

Back in HS days, my sister borrowed my Walkman and forgot it in her locker. I was miffed and kept bringing it up. Just nattering away. "I wish you didn't forget my Walkman. Why'd you forget it?" Then suddenly my normally detached father went ballistic, screaming and shouting at my sister, chasing her through the house and broke her door by bashing at it. He started hyperventilating and hit the ground. My normally excitable mom screamed dad was having a heart attack and to call an ambulance. The phone rang at the same time, so I answer telling whomever to call back as I need to talk to an ambulance. My dad then grabbed the phone and tried to hang up on the poor fellow who was trying to call us and has people panicking and trying to hang up on him (phones worked different, then. The originator controlled the call). Anyway, my dad was fine. And long story short, my sister blamed me for the whole ordeal and I was reminded of this by seeing the broken door which didn't get fixed for years.

So, I try to be conscious of when I'm nattering. I just don't share. Then it comes out all over the place. And when I do share, I feel guilty for being manipulative. So I do nothing right and I don't trust my feelings and well, that doesn't work either. So not having feelings is ideal. Yep.
sacramentalist: (Default)
2017-05-18 12:48 pm

(no subject)

Me: "So, I've been watching these 11 minute Adult Swim shows. Mike Tyson's Adventures. It's hilarious. It's styled like an old Hanna-Barbera cartoon."

She: "Mike Tyson the rapist?"

Me: "Yeah. He solves mysteries in his van, with an adopted daughter. A ghost done by the Dean from Community and a very vulgar talking pigeon played by Norm McDonald"

She: "And Mike Tyson the rapist..."

Me: "Whatever. He did his time. You should hear him try to pronounce Cormac McCarthy."

Me, later "Dammit! Now I can't enjoy this shit."

Having a conscience is sooo boooorrrring...
sacramentalist: (gayness)
2017-05-16 09:21 am

(no subject)

Woah! Episode 3 of American Gods was really well done. Wow.