Have you ever had an obsessive crush on an celebrity that is almost painful? I don't mean as a teen, but as a fully-formed brained adult.

Don't judge me, but crap, there's an actress (who I won't name) who seems to hit a crazy button. I have a difficult time watching her because of the sad sting that this person is completely unattainable. It's not lust, though she is sexy. I guess she's my type -- as in: a pretty woman who seems sweet. It's pretty hand-holdingly innocent, albeit surprisingly painful.

Of course I'm not going to share who it is. And I am happily married. My wife and I exchange our crushes. I'm also not stalkery.

I just need to shake this limerance, as it's distracting as all get-out. How do you shake that? Get obsessed about someone else? Maybe if the actress was vapid, or a jerk, but she seems pretty harmless. I kinda feel bad for her that she's not more active, but then, I'd not be able to watch the show, I suppose.

I have been having a blast making fun of people upset about the new Doctor. One thing I find amusing is how many people have never watched the show but still feel the need to state their opinion.

I know two very loyal long-term fans. I went to high school with one, and I work with the other. The HS one has been pretty silent about it, but I watched my employee go through the stages of grief on Sunday. Up until the announcement, a "woman" would never happen. Then he thought it was a gimmick. Then it was obvious to him Jodie Whittaker was the "best choice" by the new show runner, and not because she was a woman.

Half of my online mocking was to show him how silly the complainers are so he can join the moral high ground on pro-Whittaker. I'd be all "so, there's a bunch of idiots on Twitter saying the Doctor won't know how to park the TARDIS." He'll chuckle and then I'll see it click in his head "waitaminute. the Doctor has never been able to park the TARDIS. Only (names off 10 women) have been able to drive and park it. Those critics are idiots!"

"Hey B! Now they're saying The Doctor shouldn't be wank material." He'll chime in: "You know, a lot of women find Peter Capaldi sexy" "B. Please don't ever show me your Tom Baker smut."

Then he remembered Attack the Block and embraced her, trusting BBC knows what they're doing. The Doctor is an alien, after-all.

I'd like to think I manipulated him to change his mind, but I'm certain he'd enjoy any new regeneration of the Doctor. Old habits die hard.

The show IS a combination of character and story, so they better keep synergy going. I gave up in the 2nd Matt Smith season (but I adored the first one). But I've seen a few since then. The Statue of Liberty as a Weeping Angel was too much. Ugh!

We watched a documentary on William Powell, the author of the Anarchist Cookbook. He wrote it in the early 70's at 19.

Powell has lived out of the US since the 70's, and has repeatedly disavowed the book.

The interviewer basically went through a list of various mass killings where the perpetrator had the cookbook in their possession, asking about them in a way to make it seem a surprising Powell know about every incident and feel personal responsibility for each and every event.

I saw a good review on IMDB ("Why not blame Marilyn Manson, too?")

The director worked on Tosh.0 -- I'm not shocked. It was uncomfortable, breezy, and pretty pointless. D-

Dear Twin Peaks:

Now my series' have all been shown,
And what strength I have's mine own,
Which is most faint: now, 'tis true,
I must be here confined by you,

Fargo
Better Call Saul
Twin Peaks
American Gods
Handmaid's Tale

Anyone else watching the new Twin Peaks season?

I'm going to watch this thing, but I can't imagine recommending it to anyone.

It's got the side-stories of Mulholland Drive but the sound effects and braindead characters and imagery of Eraserhead. And Lynch has a talent for extracting wooden performances from decent actors. It's probably the banal dialogue and over-long takes.

That being said, of course I'm going to watch all 18 episodes and I'd be happy to discuss it in comments.

Me: "So, I've been watching these 11 minute Adult Swim shows. Mike Tyson's Adventures. It's hilarious. It's styled like an old Hanna-Barbera cartoon."

She: "Mike Tyson the rapist?"

Me: "Yeah. He solves mysteries in his van, with an adopted daughter. A ghost done by the Dean from Community and a very vulgar talking pigeon played by Norm McDonald"

She: "And Mike Tyson the rapist..."

Me: "Whatever. He did his time. You should hear him try to pronounce Cormac McCarthy."

Me, later "Dammit! Now I can't enjoy this shit."


Having a conscience is sooo boooorrrring...

Everyone is annoying the shit out of me today. Maybe I'm coming out of something, or everyone is just annoying. I'm tired of being the nice one.

I was supposed to visit my wife this weekend. I was reluctant because:

- she was sick, and busy
- the car sounds funny
- Penguicon (a sci-fi/open source convention in Michigan) was this weekend
- employees invited me to go to the Dominion House for drinks and Ingress
- I wanted to save money (gas/food)
- I started trying to run again and it would throw off my initial interest

I didn't visit my wife. I also:

- Didn't go to Penguicon
- I bought food from a restaurant, both days
- Didn't run

Why didn't I go to the con?

- bad hair day
- fat day
- I haven't gone to the US since Trump was elected
- my car sounds funny
- I have nothing to contribute
- I'd make anyone I know feel awkward
- everyone hates me

That last bit isn't true. Anyone who kinda knows me likes me, as I'm pretty harmless. Everyone else hates me.

I don't fit in, anywhere. I'm tedious to my wife. My family loves me but really know how to bring out the anxieties. My friends, after whining how I was never available when I had a wife and kids, promptly vanished after getting wives and kids. My employees put up with me. They'd rather eat an arm than have a boss around. They probably invited me to get the 8th P8. But I said I was visiting my wife.

I was fielding Saturday at a park with 30 portals. It was a chilly day, which was probably why nobody had claimed them. I spent as long as I could before it got cold/tedious. At one point, I was hacking a portal and there was a little boy standing frozen in the entrance about 50 ft in front of me. He stood, frozen as I was holding my phone right at him. He then ran away. And I opted to go out the gate and to my car and leave before someone calls the police on the bed-headed creep photographing her kid.

You laugh, but later that night, one of my local FB friends actually had the police called on him while he was waiting for his daughter at gymnastics. He was chatting on his phone and looked like he was taking photos of the girls on the floor. He laughed it off, as he wasn't the regular parent. But still. It sounds like a nightmare. What if someone mistook my presence and I didn't have anyone around? 50 year old man playing a GPS game?

I really should go back to my therapist, but I'd have to wait to see him and I wouldn't be in the same mindset. Or I'd forget the appointment. And it costs money. Or will, after I use all my insurance, so maybe I shouldn't use it until I need to. Sigh. I'm a mess.

I hear insecurity is an unattractive quality of a person.

I'm finding lately that when I attempt to contact others, I get ignored, or disdain. I'm not sure which is worse. I suppose I need to remind myself nothing is about me. It's not like I'm doing anything wrong other than being present. Hey, you're having a bad day? I'll acknowledge it. Eye-roll, or lash back at me? I gone -- I'm not your puppy to kick. Problem is when I cut contact, I find I'm the one without any friends. And then I kick myself.

I don't know what I'm getting at. Everyone is a capricious and I'm not getting enough positive strokes to assuage my insecurities.

Two psychologists say "hi" to each other as they pass on the sidewalk. They both walk away thinking "what did he mean by that?"