(no subject)

I hear insecurity is an unattractive quality of a person.

I'm finding lately that when I attempt to contact others, I get ignored, or disdain. I'm not sure which is worse. I suppose I need to remind myself nothing is about me. It's not like I'm doing anything wrong other than being present. Hey, you're having a bad day? I'll acknowledge it. Eye-roll, or lash back at me? I gone -- I'm not your puppy to kick. Problem is when I cut contact, I find I'm the one without any friends. And then I kick myself.

I don't know what I'm getting at. Everyone is a capricious and I'm not getting enough positive strokes to assuage my insecurities.

Two psychologists say "hi" to each other as they pass on the sidewalk. They both walk away thinking "what did he mean by that?"

grrr

This isn't the sort of shit I'm talking about, but this pisses me off, too:

My piano teacher (yes, I'm trying to learn the piano) was flipping though my notebook and hit a couple pages of equations my wife sent me to crunch for her. Sometimes I need to write something down, and my music book is right there. Anyway, J always balks and gets math-panic when she sees my cyphering.

"What did you go to school for, anyway?"

Me, pausing "... Electrical Engineering"

Her, pausing "But you don't work as one."

Me, "no"

Her, "But that's unusual that someone so to school for something so specific and doesn't get into it"

Me, "Yeah well, you'll find I'm not a typical engineer. In fact, you probably won't see too many engineers trying to learn the piano at 47."

"FORTY SEVEN??? Wow. You're going to be FIFTY in ... 3 years!"

"Yeah... thanks for pointing that out."

"But OMG, 50! 50 seems so old. I'd think you were in your late 30's, maybe 40. But not as old as 50."

"OK, you're not making me feel better."

"Hahaha!"

"OK, now you're laughing at me"

"No. I'm laughing with you"

"I'm not laughing"

"I can tell, you're laughing on the inside."

"Let's just do this before I say something mean."

"No, you can come at me."

"Let's just do the lesson."



Fuck. I'm pretty sure she's just teasing. But lady's gotta learn to not be a butthead. So, I have three options:

1) bite back -- which would only make her cry

2) make a fuss or fire her

3) trust she's just teasing and not be so defensive


So now I'm just stewing...