Well-Tempered Hyperbole

sacramentalist @ 2019-02-07T13:03:00

2019-02-07T18:17:25Z

I have a distracting hatred of The Today Show. It's a Hatha-hate bitch-eating-crackers anger.
I forget about it until I'm switching channels while eating breakfast and my hackles go up. I just figured I was a snob and remind myself that viewers don't want news. I've ignored it for years, as it seemed harmless yet banal. But having that Covington kid on just put me over the edge, and I've started snarking them on Twitter. #todayshow recently paid $69mil to get rid of a white nationalist and just gave air time to the next generation. Dr Oz is a snake oil salesman, and every damn last one of them is complicit to everything that's wrong with America.

It's so easy to hate them. Yesterday, they posted a Reagan quote about being being good and what is right will prevail. I said kicking vets to the curb was never right.

I'm really upset by this, but I hope it passes, soon.

UPDATE

Oh, I don't think it'll pass. I was just searching my twitter feed for things I've said about the Today, I was complaining about them before Nick Sandemann:

"Dear todayshow. Why are you having Donald Rumsfeld on your show? Why aren't you asking him why he's not in jail? Disgusting."

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sacramentalist @ 2018-12-01T22:12:00

2018-12-02T03:42:39Z

I found a neat tool which estimates how long it takes to read something:

https://www.readinglength.com/

Of course, it assumes people aren't unfocused and dull-witted. I can easily read several pages, meditating on how fast I can read and then have to go back. Or I'll read the same sentence 5-10 times before the comprehension section of my brain starts firing and I can proceed.

Part of this comes from lack of practice, mental distractions ("why am I reading and not doing what I need to do?"), and personal exigencies, Or it may just be my reading choices.

Joseph Conrad's Lord Jim is not a focused book. It has two-three-sometimes-four layers of narration and skips and hops back as often as it ruminates on romanticism. And I catch myself distracted by vocabulary. It's vexing.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-11-20T21:45:00

2018-11-21T02:45:23Z

It too cold and dark and everything and everyone are awful. I'm just gonna hibernate until April.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-11-06T14:04:00

2018-11-06T19:05:41Z

Dear Amacrians; Please vote. And you know what? Try not to stink it up so much this time

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sacramentalist @ 2018-11-01T17:58:00

2018-11-01T22:02:47Z

Growing up, my mother used to tease me that "It must be a Tuesday, because you're always this cranky on a Tuesday" And I'd either say "NO! I'M NOT CRANKY!" or "NO! I'm ALWAYS THIS CRANKY EVERYDAY!" (All I wanted was a Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me.)

Now, it's Thursday. I'm always miserable on Thursday. I know this because each week I go, "Ugh! I'm just tired and miserable and just want to go to bed" and then remember that The Good Place is on, so I can't.
But really, it's every day. I'm fun.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-10-19T17:16:00

2018-10-19T21:21:31Z

Anyone else wake up dreaming the sound of their phone ringing and the phone is quiet? All that anxiety for nothing: It's maddening.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-10-17T09:53:00

2018-10-17T13:53:30Z

WAKE AND BAKE, CANADA!

Thanks to my unnamed benefactor for 6 months of service, I have user icons again

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sacramentalist @ 2018-10-16T13:09:00

2018-10-16T17:29:56Z

In case you haven't heard, recreational weed is legal in Canada tomorrow. I almost wish I kept a paid account so I can add a pot-related icon. Recreational pot can only be purchased via the Ontario Cannabis Store. Which means the "they" will know when you buy it. I wager it won't take long before US Customs gets access to the data. I don't smoke weed, but I'll get banned just for making this post.

A cannabis store popped up right across the street from work. I don't think it was there two weeks ago. In Essex, there's a storefront with a whitewashed plywood sign with a black spray-paint stenciled "Farmacy". They're like mushrooms!

I look forward to the kind of tech calls we'll get. The drunk calls have always been a hoot. But then, it's not like we don't already have customers calling while baked.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-10-11T20:03:00

2018-10-12T00:06:49Z

In therapy:

"no, that's not guilt, that's shame" "I don't understand the difference."

In a flash of insight, I realize I actually do not understand the difference. I am completely at a loss. And I feel really bad about it.

I needed distraction. Mindless entertainment.

"I'll watch Big Mouth! Oh look, a new character: David Thewlis is The Shame Wizard! FUCK ME!"

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Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

2018-10-04T13:53:55Z

"Hey. Every time I go to the bank to deposit my paycheque, there's a problem. Either an angry person taking up the line, or the machine is broken"

"Hey. Why don't you just use the app on your phone?"

"Hey. Then I have this cheque kicking around. I just want to know the bank has it and I don't do something dumb."

"Hey. Why doesn't your employer do direct deposit?"

"Hey. Why don't you go fuck yourself?"

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porny food

2018-10-02T17:23:39Z

Made madeleines. They're nicely nipply.

A little dark, but they look nice with sugar on them.

I put up a sign "free madeleines" at work and they were gone before lunchtime.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-09-30T21:45:00

2018-10-01T02:06:06Z

I don't know how to console my wife, so I'm just going to annoy her with my inability to toss old clothes. That's sure to help.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-09-28T18:04:00

2018-09-28T22:07:05Z

Yay, weekend!

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Re: US SCOTUS Hearings

2018-09-27T15:55:53Z

Fuckity fuck this world sucks. You can't teach compassion. We need to stop giving power to those who lack it.

I hate everyone. Well, some of you are ok.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-09-26T11:44:00

2018-09-26T16:07:19Z

I had to get blood work this morning. Went before breakfast because they always ask me if I've fasted and I'm never told I need to fast before hand. Anyway, the blood taker was miserable and busy, but did a good job. I didn't feel it at all and she filled 5 vials in no time. Most of the time, it feels like they use a square needle.

Then, Tim Hortons was too busy to get something to eat on the way to work. So, now I'm hangry. And there's mint Girl Guide cookies on the kitchen table and I am not buying any. Nope! Argh!

Got a demo of the phone alert system last night. EC threw a tornado warning because they considered the storm serious enough to warrant it. After Ottawa last week, people are more alert. Luckily, there was no tornado. TBH, I wouldn't be too upset if a Tornado killed me. It'd spare me having to complete my insurance claim I keep stalling. Y'all would miss me for a day or two. Remember me kindly. I've always loved you.

However, the only thing I will die of today, is starvation, and I might have to go a few more hours for that.

Blood work is to test if the depo has changed anything. I don't feel different. My energy level seems fine. Am I depressed? fuck, yes! I've stopped gaining weight.

Back in my 20's I had to take depo shots. It had a dramatic effect: Felt like I drank a pot of coffee. Oh, and these sudden images of bending random women over to roger them. I know it's a bad time to opine on male sexuality, but there you go.
Women got much prettier and boobs. I remember commenting to a friend "Holy shit! I was a prig as a teen but thought I had a sex drive. I didn't realize what actual puberty lust felt like. Is this how all men feel?" My friend: "Oh, that's not because you're a man. It's because you're French!"

TL;DR, I'm horny and hungry.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-09-21T10:32:00

2018-09-21T14:46:51Z

Ever miss your twenties? Talk to a 20-something.

"Steve. It's been a while since I've seen you and I guess you heard I'm dating a woman with a kid. I'm not really into it, but listen to me. She has NFL Network so I can watch any Rams game I want. And I can pause and replay. And she's on assistance and expects me to help her raise my kid. I met her through my cousin who said she wanted something casual. Then the first time I meet her kid, he's in his bedroom screaming and she goes 'I need you to talk to him. I gotta get out of here' and leaves the house! So I offered him some Butterfingers because when I was a kid, a Butterfinger made me feel better. But he just THREW THEM AT ME. So I guess that doesn't work. I'm 26, she's 25 and the kid is 6 and I don't need this. My cousin is in shit with me because she definitely wants someone to help her raise her kid and I shouldn't be in this. But, the NFL season just started. And it's $300 and I think she got the service for me."

"Dude. I'm totally going to blog this."

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sacramentalist @ 2018-09-13T11:18:00

2018-09-13T15:41:20Z

In case Americans are wondering what Ontario is complaining about (and to prove I understand it):

The Canadian Constitution's Charter of Rights and Freedoms was enacted in 1982. It's sort of like the US Bill of Rights, but we can still punch many of those responsible in the nose. It also declares Canada is "founded upon principles that recognize the supremacy of God and the rule of law". Oh, Lord!

The framers added a notwithstanding clause that allows a Province or Prime Minister to bypass several of the rights and freedoms for up to 5 years.

They did this to get all the provinces to sign. (Narrator: not all the provinces signed)

So 15 times now, various provinces have used this nuclear option to pass legislation deemed unconstitutional. Everyone knows of Quebec's language laws, which never infringes on freedom of speech because they renew the NWC every 5 years.

The latest is our populist Premier who wants to restructure Toronto (by cutting council in half) during the municipal election. Supreme court said it was in violation of the Charter. So even if he can't say "notwithstanding clause", he's going to pass the law including the NWC. And things are getting rowdy in Parliament.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-09-12T11:24:00

2018-09-12T15:39:24Z

I'm having recall issues. I hope I'm not forgetting. I mean, there's a lot of shit in there, but it's not coming out at will. For instance, I can't remember that delicious cylinder-shaped mollusc. Not abalone, the other one. I can google it, but that's not the point. My brain won't release it.

I'm not tired, or distracted. Well, I'm always tired and distracted but today isn't notable.

UPDATE

I went crazy and looked it up. Scallops. But now I'm worried because even after I saw the word, it didn't feel right. I was thinking there was an O in there and a D. I dunno, it's really bothering me.

If I ever forget you: remember how much I loved you.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-09-06T13:41:00

2018-09-06T18:03:16Z

Oh, fuckity fuck, I'm still obsessing about the past. I hope it'll pass, soon. Here, I joke about anticipating train-wrecks online and you're all witnessing me unglue.

Hey. It was my 20th anniversary last week. Tomorrow is her 60th birthday. This shit gets me thinking.

Anyway, I unwisely peeked at her FB, something I've done only 3-4 times in the past. I was more curious to see if she blocked me. Otherwise, why bother? Oh yeah: "Behind every great woman is ... herself." Eyeroll. Then I want my time and money and pride back, bitch. Happy fucking Birthday.

That "I DID IT ALL MYSELF!" rhetoric started at The End. I thought she was venting about the kids' father. No, she wasn't even thinking of me. At all.

OK, I'm done.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-09-05T09:58:00

2018-09-05T14:15:11Z

I think I'm a good person. And I care about people.

And yet, I follow someone on Twitter because I know her schmoopy lovey-dovey love affair is going to firebomb with atomic passion. I don't want it to, but if anything will be "epic", it'll be this. Is that wrong?

BTW, this is in no reference to anyone on LJ or DW. I love you all and would do anything to spare you hurt if I could. My days of following Drama Mamas are over.

I can't be the only one. Do you follow people on Twitter or FB like a rubber-necker at a traffic accident?

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sacramentalist @ 2018-09-04T10:26:00

2018-09-04T16:39:16Z

When people tell you to "trust your instincts", I don't think they realize how wrong instincts can be. I consider myself quite rational, and I still get these twitchy feelings and bad associations.

For instance, one of the twitchy things preventing me getting a new car is my wife dumped me after I bought this one. Silly, I know. My brain is probably just grabbing random reasons to avoid the discomfort of getting a new vehicle.

I was talking to my therapist (yes, I see a therapist) about things -- past loves, how I get in knots trying to figure out and anticipate others and my chronic fear I'm constantly missing the obvious, proving I'm an abject failure. At one point his ears twitched and I went "and I know what you'll say. 'Well, Steve: all I see here is a man who cares a lot for the people around him. Someone who is VERY in tuned to people. That's a strength.' Yeah, well I can think that and know that, but I don't feel it, and if I did, I wouldn't make so many mistakes."

"Yes, that's something I would say."

So I kinda proved his point. And then he said something I don't remember... because I have the memory of a goldfish when my brain is bubbling.

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danger: whinging about my first marriage

2018-08-29T20:09:29Z

People who haven't known me for long probably don't know I was married before Dr C. In fact, today is the 20th anniversary. I remember it well. Two step kids. Good times. We held it in the backyard. Despite the threats for rain, it completely missed us.

I also remember at nearly the 5 year mark, she declared it was over. We were at a nearby park.

"I don't know how to say it"

"Just be blunt"

She had on mirrored sunglasses. I had to stare at myself as she said she'd been unhappy for a long time, stopped loving me and was no longer attracted to me.

Because I'd been expecting a serious talk for 2 days, I took with calmness. I made some entreaties. References to positive moments in the past. She said there was no point to counseling. She tried counseling and separations before and she knows when it's over. At some point, I said this gives a bad message to the kids. She said it would be worse for them to be dishonest.

I said I didn't want to be where I wasn't loved and I should move out while they're at the Florida dance competition the following month.

I made some monologue about how she made me feel like a stranger in my own home, which was never mine and though they'll forget me within a year, I'll never forget this. "Have a happy fucking life" and walked back to the house. Her brother pedaled up to me on his new bicycle to say hi.

"Hey Steverino. Just trying out my new bike."
"Monique just dumped me. She's at the park."
"Oh shit. What? I'm really sorry Steve. She's at the park?"

I saw him comforting her at the side of the road. She was sobbing in his arms.

I then went into the back yard and threw all the furniture against the fence. Resin chairs explode in a pleasurable way, PS. I then pulled a log out of the fire pit I made and somehow it made all the sense in the world to throw it at the picnic table her ex made until it was splinters. The picnic table sitting on the spot where we exchanged vows. I barely gouged that fucker before I got tired and lost interest.

I left and visited my sister who threw a kitten in my hand "Hold TJ! You can't be unhappy while holding a kitten". I watched Mulan with my niece and nephew.

M and I had agreed to tell the kids together. She broke that promise, too.

First, I wanted to remember the details. Then I realized that that gave me no solace.

So I tried to forget and then I felt guilty for forgetting. If someone doesn't remember, what's the point to anything? It's just the awful unresolved feeling. Like not enough was done. Something was missed. If I had been a better person everything would work.

Christmas was Hell. I had called the kids to see if they wanted to meet. I could feel their discomfort over the whole thing. Who am I to them? How can I be a part of their lives?
It was then that I decided to see a therapist. I'd bent enough ears. Plus, everyone had mixed opinions.

I dated someone a year later. She was so sweet but it was impossible and she ended things when she needed to. And it hurt so bad. Hurt more than with M. Hurt because of M. I know because I was talking to my therapist about the recent break-up when I somehow transitioned to "and I begged and pleaded and I said all I wanted her to do was hold me and tell me she loves me and she said she couldn't!" and my heart broke like it had never broken before and I sobbed and sobbed. But I felt better. I mean, 15 years later, I'm still hurt and angry. But honestly, it wasn't until then that it *finally* dawned on me that what *I* want has zero effect on the world.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-08-29T00:22:00

2018-08-29T04:38:54Z

Oh. Today is the 20th anniversary of my first wedding. I'm still hurt and angry. I guess that'll never go away.

---

Plumbers finally came by for inspection. Apparently they're just inspecting the sewer line. To fix my shower will require a fourth window. They said they couldn't do it right now because they "didn't have the tools". Their giant van doesn't have a wrench?? They also said putting in a sewer backflow preventer would be difficult because my washroom is over the outlet.

Everything is always unclear and unresolved and it makes my skin crawl.

You would think I should be glad my ex so solidly ended things, then. No.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-08-27T12:57:00

2018-08-27T17:18:21Z

So, after a month of anxiety about filling in for someone at work and the two weeks of doing it, she is back and I suddenly have a huge weight off me. However, I don't know how to not be anxious and it'll probably take nothing for me to get worked up about something.

Me: "I have no anxiety. So, when may I experience joy?"

Psyche: "Hold up! Have you considered you were too loud and boorish with your high school friends last night? S seemed quiet, were you interrupting him? Did you insult him by complaining about the time to see a specialist for your sleep stuff when he deals with that all the time with his MS? He may think you're a shit friend. But you don't know. A good friend would know."

Me: "...."

Ella Muffin has returned to C. I will miss that Muffin-face, but I'm glad I don't have to worry about her dying on my watch. She has lost a significant amount of weight. She just doesn't eat a lot. She's always been a slow, fussy eater. Unfortunately, we can't just plump her up with fatty food because she's got liver issues. Last October, the vets said she may only have a month and it's already the end of August. Is she in pain? I don't know.

In summary, I'm relieved about things, but don't know how to enjoy it.

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sacramentalist @ 2018-08-24T15:59:00

2018-08-24T20:06:10Z

Only two hours until my "hellish" week is over. It wasn't too bad. Hopefully I didn't make things bad for A while I filled in for her. I dropped a couple balls, but recovered. Of course, a lot can happen in two hours -- Hoping it'll remain quiet.

I've taken to keeping a case of Coke Zero in my office instead of buying from the gas station on the corner. I'll throw one in the freezer and it's cold within 10-15 minutes. I've only forgotten it once and what a mess! Well, I've forgotten them several times but I remember before it explodes over everyone's frozen dinners.

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