sacramentalist: (Default)
[personal profile] sacramentalist
I was supposed to visit my wife this weekend. I was reluctant because:

- she was sick, and busy
- the car sounds funny
- Penguicon (a sci-fi/open source convention in Michigan) was this weekend
- employees invited me to go to the Dominion House for drinks and Ingress
- I wanted to save money (gas/food)
- I started trying to run again and it would throw off my initial interest

I didn't visit my wife. I also:

- Didn't go to Penguicon
- I bought food from a restaurant, both days
- Didn't run

Why didn't I go to the con?

- bad hair day
- fat day
- I haven't gone to the US since Trump was elected
- my car sounds funny
- I have nothing to contribute
- I'd make anyone I know feel awkward
- everyone hates me

That last bit isn't true. Anyone who kinda knows me likes me, as I'm pretty harmless. Everyone else hates me.

I don't fit in, anywhere. I'm tedious to my wife. My family loves me but really know how to bring out the anxieties. My friends, after whining how I was never available when I had a wife and kids, promptly vanished after getting wives and kids. My employees put up with me. They'd rather eat an arm than have a boss around. They probably invited me to get the 8th P8. But I said I was visiting my wife.

I was fielding Saturday at a park with 30 portals. It was a chilly day, which was probably why nobody had claimed them. I spent as long as I could before it got cold/tedious. At one point, I was hacking a portal and there was a little boy standing frozen in the entrance about 50 ft in front of me. He stood, frozen as I was holding my phone right at him. He then ran away. And I opted to go out the gate and to my car and leave before someone calls the police on the bed-headed creep photographing her kid.

You laugh, but later that night, one of my local FB friends actually had the police called on him while he was waiting for his daughter at gymnastics. He was chatting on his phone and looked like he was taking photos of the girls on the floor. He laughed it off, as he wasn't the regular parent. But still. It sounds like a nightmare. What if someone mistook my presence and I didn't have anyone around? 50 year old man playing a GPS game?

I really should go back to my therapist, but I'd have to wait to see him and I wouldn't be in the same mindset. Or I'd forget the appointment. And it costs money. Or will, after I use all my insurance, so maybe I shouldn't use it until I need to. Sigh. I'm a mess.

Date: 2017-05-01 09:14 pm (UTC)
lhrh37: (Default)
From: [personal profile] lhrh37
How are you tedious to your wife? Are you sure you are full on tedious and not just that busyness + illness is translating into the appearance of tedium?

I'm sorry you had such a lousy weekend.

Date: 2017-05-02 01:52 pm (UTC)
lhrh37: (Default)
From: [personal profile] lhrh37
I'm not convinced you are a 24/7 litany of woe. I AM convinced that you are convinced you are.

Date: 2017-05-02 03:40 pm (UTC)
lapinlunaire: (Default)
From: [personal profile] lapinlunaire
Yes, this.

Date: 2017-05-02 11:55 am (UTC)
pork_chop: (Default)
From: [personal profile] pork_chop
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. :(

Date: 2017-05-02 03:44 pm (UTC)
lapinlunaire: (Default)
From: [personal profile] lapinlunaire
To be honest, I don't think "everyone" hates you. I admittedly don't know you that well, but you seem like a cool person. Also, you say "everyone else [who doesn't know me] hates me". Why does that matter? People who don't even know you and hate you right off the bat aren't worth trying to please.

Re: therapy, if you tend to be in a different mood when you see your therapist, it might help to record your current mood in some way so you can still bring in the way you felt to your session.

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